Five times Constance slapped Aramis, and one time she didn't
by Idon'thaveacluewhatI'mdoing
Summary: Aramis always seems to bring trouble with him - in the form of slapping hands.
1. Chapter 1

Aramis had always viewed Constance as a respectable woman, in his eyes at least. He'd never had any romantic feelings towards her however and certainly wouldn't have anything to do with her in that sense now - the situation between her and d'Artagnan would have made that awkward. Ah, young love.

He was however a red-blooded male, and when she came to the garrison looking for d'Artagnan he could not help but appreciate her figure hugging dress. Apparently he wasn't as discreet about observing those curves as he had thought.

Constance back-handed him hard across the face, leaving him sprawled, legs on the bench and back lying in the dirt. Porthos let out a bark of laughter before hiding his smile sheepishly behind another swig of wine as Constance glared at him. Aramis could dig himself out of this one. Everyman for himself.

"Aramis! Stop looking at me like that, I am not a piece of meat, despite what you might think! Did you hear a word I just said?" Constance reprimanded him. Definitely not subtle observation then.

"I, you, uh, I mean - my apologies Madame Bonacieux. I was merely … entranced by your beautiful dress. Is it new?" Aramis fumbled with his words, not wanting to offend Constance, but also attempting to cover up his lapse in good 'women-watching' skills.

Constance huffed and raised an eyebrow, not convinced by his explanation. "Aramis I wore this dress the other week, I thought soldiers were supposed to be observant?" Constance taunted.

Evidently that was not so today.

Aramis wasn't quite sure how to respond, his usually calm and collected appearance becoming slightly frazzled.

"No explanation then? I thought not. Give this to d'Artagnan when you see him would you?" Constance said stiffly as she handed him a letter addressed to Charles d'Artagnan and walked away.

Huh, Charles. Charlie! New nicknames for d'Artagnan started to develop in his head - d'Art was getting a little old.

"Smooth Aramis, very smooth. You're lucky d'Artagnan wasn't here, I imagine his punch would've hurt more than Constance's slap." Porthos said, certainly finding this funnier than Aramis was.

As Aramis rubbed his jaw, he shot a glare at Porthos.

"I'd imagine they're probably on par with each other. However I have no desire to be slapped by Madame Bonacieux anytime again in the near future." Aramis replied. Good God his jaw hurt, she definitely hadn't held back.

"Are you sure you have to imagine that?" Athos said dryly. "After all there was that one time where d'Artagnan- "

"Yeah, yeah, maybe I don't have to imagine, no need to rub it in eh?" Aramis mumbled. "Pass me the wine Porthos, I can't feel my jaw."

Porthos just sniggered, knowing Aramis he probably wouldn't be waiting very long for another slap from Madame Bonacieux.


	2. Chapter 2

Aramis groaned as he opened his eyes and was immediately assaulted by a strong beam of sunlight. He felt a heavy weight draped over his legs and looked down to see d'Artagnan's upper body stretched out comfortably over him, hugging his legs.

Aramis rubbed his forehead, a headache making itself known. d'Artagnan and he were spread out over Madame Bonacieux's kitchen floor. How he got there, and where Porthos and Athos were was a mystery he did not the energy to think about right now.

He attempted to manoeuvre himself out from underneath d'Artagnan, without waking the boy. Monsieur Bonacieux was out on business for the week. He remembered d'Artagnan telling him that and wanting to go and visit Constance at some stupid time very early in the morning, followed by attempts from him to persuade d'Art otherwise. That obviously did not have the desired effect and must have managed to make d'Artagnan buy him more liquor than he had intended to drink last night.

Just as Aramis rolled over and stood up wobbling, clutching onto the kitchen table for support, he heard footsteps coming down the stairs - that would be Constance.

The door swung open, Constance humming a tune to herself, until she spotted a very hungover Aramis and a still unconscious d'Artagnan - lucky twit. Aramis raised his hands as one would to surrender until it registered with a very sleepy Constance that it was just her friends who had taken over her kitchen. A look of fury crossed her face as she stepped over d'Artagnan and gave Aramis a slap that sent him reeling.

"How dare you! Coming into a lady's home when you knew she was alone in the house - I thought better of you Aramis!" Constance scolded. Aramis was getting a strange sense of deja vu, being slapped than shouted at by one Madame Bonacieux.

"Constance, please don't shout. My head already feels like it is going to explode without you shouting." Aramis whispered, leaning into the table and kicking d'Artagnan awake simultaneously.

"Huh, what, what h'ppen'd." d'Artagnan flung himself into a sitting position and pulled a knife out from who knows where, blindly swinging it around. Constance let out another squeak.

"d'Artagnan! Put that away!" Constance yelped, scared by d'Artagnan's knife waving as she quickly ducked behind Aramis.

"Woah d'Art! Put the knife down, we're at Constance's, we're safe." Aramis reassured him, hands out in front of him, concerned by d'Artagnans' immediate violence.

"What? Oh s'rry Constance, I didn't mean to sc're you, I'm just a lil' … disor'ntat'd." an obviously hungover, and possibly still drunk, d'Artagnan replied.

"Well, what are you two doing here? How did you even GET in here?" Constance inquired.

"Good question, not too sure." Aramis said matter of factly, leaning against the table once again as he swayed a little.

"Oh for heavens sake, both of you get back to the garrison, you're going to be late." she rolled her eyes as both men headed for the door, muttering apologies, "d'Artagnan?" Constance called him back.

"Y-Yes?" d'Artagnan stuttered knowing whatever to come was not going to be good.

It wasn't.

Constance slapped him up-side the head. Hard.

"Ow! What is wrong with you woman?" d'Artagnan clutched the back of his head, maybe she had hit him slightly harder than she had intended to.

"Well I slapped Aramis while you were out of it, so I thought it was only far if I did the same to you - don't you think so?" Constance replied innocently, hands clasped behind her back as she swayed from side to side.

Aramis chuckled and bowed to Constance as he headed out the door, still slightly stunned from his slap as d'Artagnan followed meekly in a similar fashion. Ah, revenge was sweet. Now it was only Athos and Porthos who needed to experience Constance's legendary slaps, he was working his way down the list - and it hadn't even been on purpose so far!

Constance sighed as the men made their way out of her home, smiling secretly as her hand stung - it was definitely worth it.


	3. Chapter 3

It was supposed to be simple, that was what Captain Treville had said. A few days ride to an outlying village to check on the people there, and make sure there weren't any problems.

Well. There were problems.

Several close calls and one discovery of a network of criminals based in the village later, Athos, Aramis, Porthos and d'Artagnan were ready to head home - leaving relieved village men behind them.

The criminals had set up their network in the quiet village, knowing it was often overlooked and thus would be a safe place for them to meet frequently. The small population of villagers had been coerced into silence, and were ecstatic upon the musketeers' arrival.

The four men hadn't realised how large this network was, resulting in a fight that lasted for hours and left them exhausted and all injured in some way.

Aramis had found himself backed against a wall with six men approaching him. He fought bravely, but even then it was still a three-against-one fight. One of the attackers took the opportunity to hit him over the head with the pommel of his sword - swiftly followed by Porthos gutting him like a fish, and then finishing off the other two in a similar manner.

Porthos pulled Aramis behind an abandoned stall in the street and continued to fight back to back with d'Artagnan, their movements complimenting each other. Porthos had been helping to train him, and after this it had most definitely been worth the time. However it had become apparent d'Artagnan needed to work harder on his defence, as his opponent cut a large gash across his upper arm. d'Artagnan then proceeded to disarm the man and run him through, but began to sway a little. His resolve did not falter though, and he fought till the fight was done, protecting Aramis' (still) unconscious body with his last breath. Porthos knew d'Artagnan was here to stay, and at this moment he was proud to be able to call such young and raw talent a brother-in-arms.

As Athos worked his way through the dead bodies after the fight, he and Porthos shifting them onto to carts so they could be burned outside the village, he suddenly staggered as the adrenaline began to wear off. A shoot of pain ran through his ankle as he tried to take another step, and looked down to see it black and blue. At least it wasn't broken. Athos hobbled other to the horses, a half-asleep and rather pale d'Artagnan already mounted on his horse, lifted on by Porthos, no doubt and an unusually silent Aramis hardly staying in his saddle. Aramis had come to by the time Athos had stumbled over to check on him after the fight was over, and although slightly disorientated, was more or less coherent.

Porthos pulled himself up onto his horse, ignoring the aching in his shoulder. He was pretty sure he had dislocated it at some point during the fight, but had just shoved it back in, worried more about not dying at that moment than his shoulder. In hindsight, maybe that hadn't been the smartest thing to do. His shoulder felt like it was on fire now - best not to move it then.

The rag-tag bunch of musketeers made their slow journey back to Paris, all in some degree of pain, and just wanting to get back to a warm bed and warm food. Aramis was usually their 'physician' but he wasn't lucid enough to be treating (and certainly not sewing up) anyone.

A few days later Athos, Aramis, Porthos and d'Artagnan rode back into the garrison, all pale now, and looking considerably worse for wear. As soon as they entered a general hubbub broke out across the men, many lending them helping hands to get them down from their horses, others taking the horses to the stables and one calling for the Captain.

As Treville made his way down the stairs he caught sight of his four best men only just staying on their feet. He immediately went into action, ordering men to prepare a room for the four and to take them there. It didn't look like they were going to remain standing for much longer.

As they limped, hobbled, and were carried (this was Athos, seemed his ankle was more than twisted) up to the room, they knew that they would be well looked after, and fell into the darkness they had all been resisting for the past week.

Athos awoke to the sound of a woman ranting. Constance was here then.

"Have you any idea how worried I was? You came back a week later than expected, looking like you've been dragged through bushes backwards - and then you tell me you had it under CONTROL!" Constance paused for a breath here, breathing heavily in-between her tirade.

"Constance, please you're hurting my head." Aramis begged, in a desperate attempt to stop her from shouting, his already pounding head now feeling ready to burst.

Constance frowned, but ceased her shouting, settling for swatting Aramis hard on his knee, one of the only places he wasn't hurt.

"What did I do this time?" Aramis hissed, clutching his leg.

"You nearly got yourself killed! What if you hadn't woken up from that hit?" Constance was beginning to rant again, and as any wise man would, Aramis stopped talking.

Porthos was not a wise man.

"Aw, I never knew you cared so much about us!" Porthos said teasingly from his bed on the other side of Constance.

Athos just laid there, eyes still shut,, trying not to smirk. Porthos was in for it now.

Constance spun around and slapped Porthos right across his cheek, d'Artagnan winced at the sound the blow made.

"You don't have a head injury, so don't think I won't slap you." Constance replied, wagging her finger in his direction - not that Porthos saw this, his eyes were smarting from the blow as he turned to face the mattress.

"I, uh, wow." Porthos stuttered, "That was certainly … quite a hit." He was struggling to string a sentence together, which made Constance look inherently pleased with herself.

"Something to say, Porthos?" she asked smugly, grinning to herself.

"Uh, no, um, ma'am. Nothing at all." Porthos replied, collapsing onto his bed and flinging his arm over his face to hide his quickly reddening cheek.

"Hmph. I don't know how you can joke around when Athos is still out cold. What if he doesn't ever wake up, what if he loses his foot, you heard what the physician said." Constance was getting worked up again.

Wait, his foot? It was just sprained. Athos tried to wiggle his toes, this sent a lightening bolt of pain up his leg and he groaned aloud. Definitely worse than sprained. He vaguely heard cries of relief and worry in the background, but they were all muffled underneath the burning pain that was his leg.

Athos slowly cracked his eyes open, to see Constance smoothing his hair, and a bedraggled Aramis peeling back bandages on his lower leg.

"Shh, shh, you're going to be ok Athos, just keep awake for me. Athos? Look at me Athos." Constance soothed him, trying to distract him from his mangled leg.

It looked like he must've caught it in something sharp when he fell on it because there were three long gashes, stretching from toe to knee along his left leg. And they hurt.

"I don't suppose you three left any wine for me did you?" Athos joked, trying not to let Constance see he was hurt. He didn't want to scare her any more than she most likely already was.

"Of course we did. We wouldn't want a sober Athos on our hands now would we?" Porthos replied. He was trying to keep the conversation light just as Athos was, following the reason why he was acting so chipper.

"Oh stop acting so tough you two, I'm not stupid." Constance said indignantly, not standing for them trying to spare her feelings.

"Well, look on the bright side Athos," d'Artagnan began, as Aramis placed fresh bandages on Athos' leg, "At least these injuries will scar - you'll finally have something to impress the ladies with."

Athos held back an uncharacteristic snigger at d'Artagnans' oh-so subtle way of telling him he needed to get laid. This was not an uncommon statement from the young man, once Athos had revealed he had no feelings for his wife turned murderess. d'Artagnans' choice of phrasing was not best, and Athos wondered how he was friends with these three idiots, who seemed to have no sense of self-preservation at all when it came to getting slapped.

As Athos expected the one lady in the room was not so impressed with d'Artagnans' conclusion, and wheeled round to glare at the man hovering by the end of Porthos' bed, who had just realised his mistake and had raised his hands in the universal sign of 'I mean no harm'. d'Artagnan put on his best innocent puppy-eyed face, in the faint hope Constance would take pity on him.

Unfortunately for d'Artagnan, Constance had developed an immunity to this face, and proceeded to back-hand him across the face, fury in her eyes.

Porthos buried his face in his pillow - this would not go well.

"Jesus, Joseph and Mary that hurt Constance!" d'Artagnan cried as he swore profusely and sat on the end of Porthos' bed, the man in said bed doing his best to contain his laughter and avoid being slapped once again.

"This is not a laughing matter d'Artagnan. He is badly hurt and YOU are making jokes at his expense. How would you like - " Constance was about to begin another rant, and Athos wasn't sure Aramis' head would take much more shouting.

"Constance, please." Athos interrupted. "d'Artagnan was only joking, it is how we handle being hurt - with a sense of humour. If we didn't we would be miserable every other day, getting hurt in our line of work is a given after all." Constance huffed, but before she could interrupt again Athos continued, "Constance, it's getting late and I don't want you walking home in the dark. You need a good nights sleep, you look exhausted. The same goes for us." Athos spared a glance to a still slightly wobbly Aramis who had made his way over to his bed.

"I suppose you're right. I'll leave you in peace. But if I come back tomorrow and any of you have so much as stepped a foot out of this room -" Constance warned.

"You'll skin us and eat us for dinner?" Aramis said weakly.

"Hm. Something like that. Goodnight boys." Constance exited the room, leaving the men alone.

"Good to see you awake again 'Thos." d'Artagnan said fondly as he made his way back to his bed, arm in a sling.

"Yeah, you had us all worried there for a while." Porthos added.

"And we certainly missed your 'Constance-calming' skills. How do you do it?" Aramis asked breathlessly, avoiding d'Artagnans' glare at his new found phrase.

"Why would I tell you all that? You'd never get slapped again." Athos replied.

"That would be the point in telling us." Porthos pointed out. "I take back anything I've ever said about you being pathetic Aramis. That woman slaps harder than any other woman I've met!"

"Yes, I'm sure you have a very wide range of slaps to compare it to, if you catch my drift…" Aramis wiggled an eyebrow to punctuate this sentence, sending d'Artagnan and he into a childish fit of laughter, and Athos and Porthos rolling their eyes.

Constance's slaps surely could not be beaten, and the four men fell asleep with smiles on their faces, knowing Constance only slapped those she loved.


End file.
